January 2010
22 posts
The more we change, the more we're all the same.
Excuse me for this incoherent collection of ideas. They result way more common and less unreachable than I would like them to, so I feel like I should offer my apologies once more. My concern on this point is the result of an ever present need to feel unique and obscure. Either that or this is utter nonsense. I’m not that special, and I won’t pretend to be.
One thing of many that I’ve learned on...
by karyn » 05 Jan 2010, 00:50
That cold that’s installed in your bones and creeps in to the most unreachable spots - emotionally, physically, intellectually. It’s not only figurative language - the room is warm and I’m freezing. Shivering. I could fool myself and give it no cause. But I can’t let the outside world fool me into thinking it’s unnatural. It comes from inside. By no means I’m...
Posted: Sun Dec 20, 2009 5:08 pm
By not telling you that I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything feels like I’m withholding an important piece of information from you. It makes me feel extremely guilty. And at this moment, this is the only thing that truly, permanently hurts about feeling like I do. Other than that… I wonder where all the pain went. And why. I don’t feel it as often as I...
Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 6:19 pm
The voices inside my head are some kind of comfort zone. I’ve realized that I was doing a poor job on trying to shut them out. But they’re quiet now. They’re just whispering to themselves. They’ve done their job. But I hear what I’ve been longing to hear all this time. And I realize that it’s a sound that’s been drowned by so many others that were...
Posted: Wed Nov 18, 2009 5:19 am
My heartbeat is strong and uneven. No way of ignoring it. I feel it in all my body, faster as I inhale, slower as I exhale, as if taking a break, as if taking instructions. It won’t take the instruction to stop. My heart has to keep beating and reminding me that I’m alive, and I want it to keep it down for a second so I can make sense of it all. Because I can hear it drowning...
Posted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 2:11 am
I always think of him in dual terms. I’ve been trying to name them, the friend and the crush, the one who’s there for me and the one who’s broken my heart countless times. I’ve tried to give them a clear definition because this didn’t seem quite right. Something about the anxiety attack, him showing interest in other girls (even though I’ve known this since day...
Posted: Fri Oct 23, 2009 2:08 am
I’ve had a moment of lucidity. Again, nothing too new since the words have been trying to come out for long, but I just realized that you’re not better than me. What an epiphany, maybe attached to the fact that I don’t like you (which was an epiphany by itself.) Last time it hurt having to look up in a way to someone I despise. So this time around it was easy to convince myself...
Posted: Wed Oct 14, 2009 3:35 am
I’ve always had a fascination with the moon. I looked out from my window and I saw her, close to the horizon. She was smiling, all bright white teeth. It always makes me happy, yet I always wonder what makes her smile. Why would the moon smile? I feel like she looks at us humans, and finds a reason to dedicate us a sincere smile. Why? She could be just lonely. She smiles to see if someone...
Posted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 11:58 pm
Time heals all wounds, but how many of these distinct unities will it take? No one knows, it’s just time. Sit back, let it do its work. Questions are more than welcome - How long? Long enough. How soon? Soon enough. Is it even relevant? There’s no mathematical exactitude when it comes to inner healing. There’s not a determined value attached to every measure. They last as long as...
Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:41 am
My feelings have never been this mixed up and confusing (and confused,) so I took the easy way out and called them love. And I’m certain that the label is perfectly fitting. As dramatic as it sounds, being in love with you is one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through. You’ve unknowingly yet willingly broken my heart, but you’ve also helped me to accept myself exactly...
Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 1:43 am
I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m not the problem. This escapes my control. It’s a tough reality, but the one that forces me to move forward. Saying I’d rather not know and meaning it, that’s a new sensation. I’m quickly associating this with growing up. Doesn’t a child always want to know? Answers aren’t always the true answer. Ignorance...
Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 2:36 am
I’m feeling so diminute. It’s one of those moments when I feel like life would be better for everyone I know if they hadn’t met me. I can’t approach someone without feeling paranoia and guilt, and I can’t let them approach me without feeling shame and pity. My problem is that I can’t ever accept. I’m always pushing myself to be better - what a pointless...
Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 3:20 pm
There’s a cheerful malevolence in writing these thoughts as they appear in my head. Why should I worry about the added ambiguity, if any? Yes, I’ve always thought that the key of intelligence is effective communication, but who am I communicating with, if not my own ears? I’m wondering why, then, I need my musings out in the open. It sure might be the necessity of a witness to my...
Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:03 am
My voice doesn’t reach you over the deafening noise. Do you hear it, or it’s only me? Do you hear the beats that come and go leaving no impression? Do you feel them numbing your mind, confusing your senses? Do you perceive the fallacious nature of the sugarcoat you’re applying to your bare soul? Even so, don’t believe I forget I’m perceived as part of it; I know...
Posted: Mon Jun 22, 2009 11:26 pm
Some causes only feel lost when you’re fighting for them. Otherwise they just seem improbable, intricate, untouchable, but never impossible. There’s a thin line between giving up and letting go, as there is between making right or wrong choices, as there is between feeling and thinking. Two separate entities jumbled together so tightly that can’t be properly defined at first...
Posted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 11:00 pm
This is what I really miss about writing fanfiction. The reviews. Knowing that someone took their time to read what I had to say, and that it actually touched them… I can’t describe it. It’s the only time I’ve ever felt that I make a difference, when someone takes their time to review my story and say what they thought about it. It’s a good kind of validation I feel...
Posted: Thu Jun 11, 2009 5:35 pm
You look into those eyes… You see pain, fear, vulnerability. You see a soul. You see your soul. That’s a soul people often overlook because your hands are tiny, your body is full and curvy, you’re short, your smile is childish… Because you have many talents. Because you’re regarded as someone smart with ideas of your own. Most of those who know you like to hear...
Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:02 pm
It’s not enough for you to occupy my mind every waking second, you have to be on my dreams too. And it had to be a really vivid one, probably the most vivid dream I’ve ever had. I could perfectly see your face and trace every feature. And then I could feel your arms wrapped around me, your heartbeat calm while mine was racing, the contrast between the cool room and your warm body, the...
Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 2:05 am
So I said I was going to write about yesterday. I just want to let out some of these things. It was awesome. Both the conductor and the guest violinist had that kind of attitude that could be perceived as either genius or insane. Or both. I’d heard their names many times before. The conductor is this really well-known Venezuelan musician that has been conducting since he was 12 (not...
Posted: Thu Jun 04, 2009 3:47 pm
People generally disliked me. I knew it back then, and I’ve been told that to my face. I was the ugly girl. I’ve had acne since I was 7, I’ve always been short and overweight, I wore my jeans too high or whatever, my hair’s always been a mess. I was different. I never got in trouble. I wasn’t social. Teachers adored me. I liked reading and enjoyed the learning process...
Posted: Tue May 19, 2009 2:31 am
My dad is a broken man. Today he was talking to me about himself, and it was the first time I read defeat in his eyes. And I understood him. He’s not what he wanted to be. He always took the easy way out. He’s got an addictive personality. He had an absolutely messed up youth, mixed with lots of pain and too much independence. When he fixed things, it was already late, and even though...
Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 9:03 pm
My breakdowns can be described really easily. They’re just a quick, shallow demonstration of each item in “10 self-destructive things to do when you’re too emo to think of something else” (an imaginary manual I made up to explain this crap to myself), a bit of self-pity, a lot of self-hate, and obsessing over not getting found. Specially the not getting found part.
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