You give back what you give away.

My dad is a broken man. Today he was talking to me about himself, and it was the first time I read defeat in his eyes. And I understood him. He’s not what he wanted to be. He always took the easy way out. He’s got an addictive personality. He had an absolutely messed up youth, mixed with lots of pain and too much independence. When he fixed things, it was already late, and even though he’s proud of it, he’s still too ashamed to talk to me about his past. I admire him, because I know how he was and I see what he’s become. He’s the only truly wise people I’ve met (He has knowledge, experience and insight). I’m proud of my dad. That’s the truth.

I think about my mom… she thinks with her head, she barely listens to her heart. She wouldn’t have married such a man if she hadn’t really loved him, which shows a side of her no one gets to see. She’s too obsessive, too controlling, too unstable for someone so cool, calm and collected. But this kind of means that when she wants something, she gets it. She has tenacity and discipline. I wish I could be a bit more like her.

I’ve come to accept the fact that my parents are/were pretty fucked up people. They had the wrong approach when it came to trying to help me improve, which came off sometimes as borderline verbally abusive. They had the wrong approach when it came to independence - I’m their little princess. I’m spoiled. I’m overprotected. And they don’t really trust me, and I think I deserve their trust.

I won’t go and say “omg my issues are their fault, etc”, but those specific things I mentioned took a huge part of my self-esteem away. When they called me fat, coward, selfish, etc, I know they meant “We love you the way you are, but you have flaws and for your sake, you should work in improving them”… But sometimes they were all “You know all those good things you have? Well they pale against your flaws. So you know what to do. Call us when you’re done”.

It makes me feel like I’ll never be good enough for them. When I delivered the graduation speech I was so calm, I know I had written something good. My dad was all “I’m so so so proud. If you were as calm and collected and just plain charming as you were up there, you could do wonders”. It’s like my mom’s comment the other day (“You look so pretty today. It’s like you usually do, but… you know, clean and nice and pretty”)… they just can’t give me a full compliment. I feel like, okay, when will I be good enough?

It didn’t help that they didn’t trust me. Okay, so I used to lie a lot when I was in Elementary. Big deal. Kids lie a lot. My best friend loves me because I won’t lie to him. I won’t lie, period. I think I kinda made that up for you. Now trust me. And why do you protect me so much? Oh right, because I’m not worthy of your trust. I’m stupid and unable to do things by myself. Yeaah right. That kinda changed after Boston, but not really. The only difference is that now I’m all “I’m going out kbye” instead of asking.

I mean, I know it sounds as if they were horrible to me, but they’re not. I know they love me the way I am, but the message their actions are sending is a different one. I remember this time like two or three years ago. I got in an argument with my mom on our way back to school… I don’t remember what she said. It probably was on the cruel side, and she made me cry. I remember trying to take a nap. I remember her opening the door of my room, thinking I was asleep, and whispering “I don’t know why I treat you so badly. I’m sorry”

I don’t know what I felt then. I started crying when she closed the door. I was like, you know, it’s no big deal. Moms and their teenage daughters are supposed to get in stupid little arguments once in a while. You make it sound like you’re beating me up or something. But I was angry, because I felt that if she thought she was doing something wrong, she could come and apologize to my face. Not when she thought I couldn’t listen. But it made me realize for the first time that my mom is, well, people. She has feelings, she makes mistakes, and sometimes she doesn’t show what she really means. She’s not perfect. And for the first time ever, I understood her and felt close to her. She still doesn’t know I heard her that time. But it’s okay. Apology accepted, I promise.

My dad is another story - I got to see the worst of his temper more than once. He’s always been strict and he likes to give looooong rants when he’s telling me off. But he always apologized when his temper got out of hand. The only time he and my mom got in a really heated argument involving yelling and door-slamming and all that stuff, he took me and my sister out for lunch. He calmly apologized and explained that not because they were fighting they didn’t love each other, or that they were thinking about divorce, that it was an one-time thing and that it got out of hand. And he promised that it wouldn’t happen again (and it didn’t. They argue a lot, but the normal kind of arguing). I think I was twelve or thirteen - old enough to understand all this stuff without any of those explanations. And yes, I was extremely upset, but I understood it was normal.

They have major character flaws, and it seems like I have inherited them all. But they kind of give me hope. They support me through everything. What I listed above? That’s the worst they’ve done to me, and it’s nothing to be resentful about. They were doing the best they could, not their fault that it didn’t turn out the way they wanted it. They love me, care about me and all that shit. In other words, they kick some major ass at parenting. I love them to death.