You give back what you give away.

People generally disliked me. I knew it back then, and I’ve been told that to my face. I was the ugly girl. I’ve had acne since I was 7, I’ve always been short and overweight, I wore my jeans too high or whatever, my hair’s always been a mess. I was different. I never got in trouble. I wasn’t social. Teachers adored me. I liked reading and enjoyed the learning process more than it’s common in a child. I used to be really nice, always smiling and without any kind of social issues (or so I’ve been told O.o) but by the end of Elementary I was already the bitter, sensitive, paranoid, defensive person everyone knows.

Elementary was hell. I was harrassed by my classmates on a daily basis, some years more than others. It didn’t really get further than messing around, name-calling and general antipathy (and the latter never really ended, since I became this bitch who didn’t like letting anyone in). Basically everyone who associated with me and didn’t make fun of me received a similar treatment. I always had Gaby, and with the years I made more friends here and there, and they were all harrassed to some degree after we became friends. They didn’t seem to notice. (Unnecessary bracket #1: I often wonder why Gaby’s self-esteem isn’t half as fucked up as mine. I’m obviously happy for her, but I’m jealous of her because she seemed to get over it and perfectly move on with her life, while part of me is still resented. She was stronger than all that. I wasn’t.)

No one ever physically hurt me - well, once these girls I was “friends” with, in 2nd grade. I vaguely remember the incident, and I remember talking to the counselor about it. I remember this girl covering my face with the school hoodie and holding it really really tight for a couple of seconds (which kinda made it hard to breathe, you know)… And I thiiiiink they all ran off and left me alone then (or it was me who ran away?) but I don’t want to say more because I would probably be lying. No one ever really hurt me or anything. That’s the only, um, physical thing they ever did to me.

I often wonder if the counselor talked to my parents about it. I don’t know what are the rules for that kind of stuff. I don’t think they ever found out that I had problems at school. I told them about it once or twice, and they were all, “just ignore it, they’re not worth it”, and then my sister’s “illness”, as everyone likes to call it (Unnecessary bracket #2: It was brain cancer. That’s its name. Don’t go around making things sound different than they are. I found out like four years later that it was actually cancer and it freaked the hell out of me that I didn’t know, but no one ever told me, so yeah, always call things by their name)… and then I stopped communicating with my parents and blah blah you all know the story so I won’t repeat myself.

There’s this kid who actually apologized to me (“…but you know, it would be cool if everyone stopped reminding me how horrible I was as a kid”.. lol) and confessed to one of my friends that he really admired the way I could never conform with anything. I admire him as well, because he’s managed to change and become someone really amazing. But those who didn’t really change and just grew up to become normal, damaged teenagers - It’s funny how they pretend that it never happened. I mean, I know it’s silly but I feel like, how can you look me in the eye after that? After you made my life hell? How dare you?! There is this guy who really, really enjoyed harrassing me in 6th grade. I ran into him last weekend and he acted so normally, all “Omg long time no see! Where have you been? What are you doing?” and I know it’s wrong but I still see the cruel little bastard that couldn’t just mind his own fucking business and leave me the fuck alone.

One or two of them didn’t really leave me alone until the day we graduated. I didn’t really care and just laughed it off because it was just a matter of mutual dislike. I ran into one of them in Boston (yes, I know, what are the fucking odds?) and it was the funniest thing ever. He seemed so… I don’t know, as if he couldn’t believe it was really me, all happy and confident and with a guy he didn’t know (I’m so sure he got the wrong idea, which made it even funnier). He didn’t really say a word. I asked him for his number just to laugh a bit at his O__o? face. Of course I didn’t call.

I really don’t know what’s the point on typing all this. Yesterday I was talking to a friend until really really late and we started talking about Elementary and all kinds of memories came to my mind (Unnecessary bracket #3: Meanwhile, I found out that he and one of my best friends were doing gay, Xrated stuff since they were 13. I knew they were gay, but 13? O.o) and now I had to type the stuff that I couldn’t really tell him. So yeah. Forget about what you just read (and if you indeed read this I’m sorry. I told you, you didn’t have to.)