You give back what you give away.

I’m feeling so diminute. It’s one of those moments when I feel like life would be better for everyone I know if they hadn’t met me. I can’t approach someone without feeling paranoia and guilt, and I can’t let them approach me without feeling shame and pity.

My problem is that I can’t ever accept. I’m always pushing myself to be better - what a pointless cause for an endless crusade. Pointless because it’s endless, because if I will never be perfect, if this insatisfaction is permanent, why should I be better? And how can I learn to accept? What’s the difference between accepting and conforming? Is there even a difference? I would look at myself in such shame if I wouldn’t push myself to be the best I can be. But what’s my best? Is there even such a thing? Can’t I always be better?

I make the mistake to taking this desire to conquer to another level. I want everyone around me to constantly work on what I feel it’s wrong with them, which often mirrors everything that’s wrong with myself. It’s not that I don’t love them. I just can’t accept. I can’t. I’m demanding, and manipulative, and being around me is such an exhausting task. That’s why everyone would be better off without me. That’s why I’m such a failure when it comes to interpersonal relationships. That’s why.

Life taught me the hard way that people will fuck me up if I don’t bite first. It taught me to never be accepting, for no one will ever take me the way I am. I took Life’s behavior and mirrored it. It’s just a matter of social Darwinism, to lose myself in order to survive.

But if I’m not myself, and if I can’t survive being myself, and if I’m not a convenient influence for my loved ones… why should I stay alive?