I’ve always had a fascination with the moon. I looked out from my window and I saw her, close to the horizon. She was smiling, all bright white teeth. It always makes me happy, yet I always wonder what makes her smile. Why would the moon smile? I feel like she looks at us humans, and finds a reason to dedicate us a sincere smile. Why?
She could be just lonely. She smiles to see if someone smiles back. A secret? I always smile back. I’m lonely too. Not the conventional kind of lonely. It’s hard to explain. I’m standing alone in front of a mirror, and it’s time for me to get used to my reflection. It’s a road I have to walk alone. Some can understand me, love me, support me, and I know they do. But I’m alone in this. And you know, it gets lonely. I just want it to be over. I’ve been alone long enough. I can’t say I’ve found myself, but I’m definitely several steps closer. On my own.
She might just be happy with what it sees, but it seems unlikely. The moon is known to have an influence on the sea. It sees its reflection there. Maybe she loves the sea. Her reflection smiles back, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s all she needs. Maybe the sea makes her happy, but I think she’s just going through the very same thing I am. Maybe she’s trying to find herself, find reassurance. She just needs to know that she shines. Her reflection reminds her of her presence. She does stand alone though, so she doesn’t need to return to a more crowded path. But she needs to find herself too.
I think I’ve also stood alone since I can remember. I was always the weird kid liked by very few. I never hid too much, but I never showed too much either (and doesn’t the moon have a known, bright side and a dark, hidden side?) There’s no place for me. I’ve never had road, I’m just making one now. But don’t we all make our own road as we walk? This is not an original idea (Antonio Machado says it better than no one else ever will) but it’s one I’m coming around to understand just now. Why should I wait for a guide, when I’m obviously walking on my own? I’m getting there, slowly, sometimes painfully. No one else will walk in my shoes, why would someone else guide them? That makes no sense. We all need help every once in a while, and I’m not one to wait around to be saved. But I’ve been looking everywhere for a guide. Maybe not a helping hand, just an already paved road.
Fuck that. I save myself. I guide myself. I find myself. I live for myself. And I don’t think I want to look back. My heart has been broken and a lesson’s been learned. I’ve come to relax and accept. I can’t say I’m strong, but I’m not as weak as I used to be. I’ve realized the difference between secrets to keep and secrets that shouldn’t be secrets. I don’t think I care less, but things affect me less. I’ve grown a tougher skin. I don’t know how, but I’m damn proud of myself.
Eh, I don’t think it matters. Long story short, the moon smiles, and I just have to smile back. I hope I’m wrong and it’s not a lonely smile. I hope it’s a happy smile. It certainly makes me embarrassingly happy.
Posted on Saturday, 9 January 2010
