I always think of him in dual terms. I’ve been trying to name them, the friend and the crush, the one who’s there for me and the one who’s broken my heart countless times. I’ve tried to give them a clear definition because this didn’t seem quite right.
Something about the anxiety attack, him showing interest in other girls (even though I’ve known this since day one) and me showing a slight interest in someone else (even if it was Cuba Libre speaking and I’d rather not talk about that) broke the curse. I’m free.
And I realized what was going on.
I am (was) in love with the idea of him.
But I love him.
Not anymore. the curse was lifted indeed. The longing for him is completely gone. I don’t even sleep with a stuffed animal anymore (or haven’t for the past week) because I don’t need to feel there’s someone with me. It’s actually helped me to keep my mind quiet. And I really don’t feel like I need to be with you. Sure, I’ve lost my comfort zone. And I miss it, and I cry, but it’s better this way. I don’t know. It’s not the same anymore.
‘I betrayed you,’ she said baldly.
‘I betrayed you,’ he said.
She gave him another quick look of dislike.
‘Sometimes,’ she said, ‘they threaten you with something something you can’t stand up to, can’t even think about. And then you say, “Don’t do it to me, do it to somebody else, do it to so-and-so.” And perhaps you might pretend, afterwards, that it was only a trick and that you just said it to make them stop and didn’t really mean it. But that isn’t true. At the time when it happens you do mean it. You think there’s no other way of saving yourself, and you’re quite ready to save yourself that way. You WANT it to happen to the other person. You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care about is yourself.’
‘All you care about is yourself,’ he echoed.
‘And after that, you don’t feel the same towards the other person any longer.’
‘No,’ he said, ‘you don’t feel the same.’
I actually thought it was a lie. That this couldn’t happen. That you couldn’t truly hate someone so much for just a tiny instant that it could change the way you see them forever. I did mean it. No, I don’t see him the same way. He does have so much potential it’s even unfair. I guess I learned that potential doesn’t equal reality. Reality is that my fixation on this potential is what’s been doing us all this damage. He’s not any of those things. He could be, but he’s not.
But I do love him. Him, who he is, flaws and all. I’ve never been blind to who he is, even if it sounds contradictory. I remember talking to my English teacher a couple of months ago, and him being all “but you seem to be so rational about this” and it was both a truth and a lie. I see him the way he is yet I’m obsessed with the idea of him. I see who he is yet I don’t. Yet another thing I thought impossible, perfectly proven and in my mind; Oh doublethink, how I love thee~
Seemingly unrelated, but I have one particular memory of this girl that won’t leave me alone. We were doing the exact same thing. Locked eyes, smiled shyly and with certain complicity, quickly looked away. At the very same time. It was kinda cute, actually, and it left me with the impression that she might be nice, sweet and someone I’d like to be friends with. Dying.
It’s not that I dislike her for her influence on my personal life (that’s only the urge to rip someone apart, not the dislike per se.) It’s not like the girl said “oh okay I don’t like Kayi so let’s make her life impossible.” I can’t be too hurt for all the pain she caused him, can I? Because this is one of those cases where truth is more than exposed. The first time was her fault, any other thing she could have done, he is to blame for letting her. No mercy. Same here, right? First time, his fault. Any other, mine. Nothing else to say. Things can only change for the best.
