You give back what you give away.

My heartbeat is strong and uneven. No way of ignoring it. I feel it in all my body, faster as I inhale, slower as I exhale, as if taking a break, as if taking instructions. It won’t take the instruction to stop. My heart has to keep beating and reminding me that I’m alive, and I want it to keep it down for a second so I can make sense of it all. Because I can hear it drowning everything else, and I hate it.

I love how when I say that I “have” RSA -Respiratory Sinus Arrhythmia- everyone freaks the fuck out when it’s actually common and even beneficial. It seriously makes me laugh saying “yeah that’s my weird medical condition” and having everyone go “does it kill or something?” …it’s fucking hilarious. I kinda wish it did atm.

And it was only “diagnosed” because when I used to get those killer headaches my mom freaked the fuck out. That was my sister’s main complaint when we didn’t know she had cancer. So I was taken to way too many doctors to see what the fuck it was. “Just to make sure they’re just tension headaches,” and I still wonder who were they trying to reassure. I always knew.

I think my aversion to pills comes from seeing her live off them since she was what, 13? 14? not like she had any other fucking option. But from the moment she was complaining of those headaches and no one knows what the hell it was and she was trying so many different pills without nothing helping. And her complaining that nothing helped. And then just having her see go through a fucking drugstore every day or something. Idk. I hate pills. I’m a healthy human being and whatever the fuck is wrong with me, I can take it.

Well just right now I’m dizzy and hungry and sleep deprived and I refuse to go to bed. Not even out of fear this time. Can I delay the dawn just by making the night longer? I don’t want to see another day. If I don’t sleep it’s just an endless day. The minutes are worth less and everything takes another shape. If I don’t sleep, I stay distracted by making an effort of staying awake. If I don’t sleep I won’t be tempted to stay there, and to pretend I can never wake up, and my eyes open. I have to be aware of my heartbeat. I have to be aware of life.